Editor’s Note: Hey there. Please welcome T. Boone Thiccens, who you may know from @WashedQuotes on Twitter. Turns out he’s a pretty good writer and you may be seeing more of his work around these parts. If you’re also a good writer - shoot me some samples at brett@washedmedia.com. Maybe we’ll really get this column thing cranking…

There was a time when baseball and apple pie were two of the symbols of Americana, scions of an idyllic age in this great country, when a malevolent patriarchy was buttressed by a phrase as simple as “boys will be boys,” and complicated human beings such as Babe Ruth stood as a testament to it all.

Since then, the idea of baseball being America’s pastime has become, well, a thing of the past. And apple pie? We all know it’s mid and they probably did back then too.

These days, football has taken the torch, but there’s a second sport that operates in close conjunction with the action that plays out on NFL Sundays: Fantasy football.

“Fantasy football isn’t a sport”, you decry.

That may technically be true, but given the ups and downs of the season and all that you must deal with along the way, I’d argue it’s one of the most athletic endeavors on offer in the world. If you aren’t sold that the mental gymnastics themselves are enough of an ordeal to make this a true athletic pursuit, the type of people that you have to deal with will convince you.

The league members alone make fantasy football a true warzone. A battle of wit and will to outlast the absurd, annoying, and preposterous personalities among those that comprise your competition. It’s a legitimately exhausting affair.

Still don’t believe me? Alright then. Let’s take a look at some of these people.

Performatively competitive guy

Whether he’s in your league or not, we all know this guy. Slicked back hair, tech polo of the school he went to, F-350 he commutes to an accounting job in, he doesn’t tip servers because he “doesn’t believe in it.” While these are all simultaneously lovable and infuriating traits, it’s another characteristic of his that lands firmly in the latter category.

The need to let everyone know just how into the competition he is. We get it guy, you’re competitive and possess the requisite testosterone needed to click buttons on a screen a few times a week to ensure some of the best athletes in the world will you to victory on the digital gridiron.

While that’s all well and good, I think we can do without the “what’s up pussies, who’s ready to get dominated this year?” in the group chat that I’ve long had muted, largely because of his presence in it. That combined with the “smack talk” he’s sending weekly into the league message board that no one reads is definitely a great use of his time; I really hope he wins the $500 this year so he can go out of his way to not spend a dime tipping a minimum wage waitress because she “gave him a dirty look” when he sent back his steak for the second time.

The Whiner

The Venn diagram between this guy, and “performatively competitive guy” is closer to a circle than you might think, but there’s a key distinction between the two that keeps them separate. “Performatively competitive guy” is a total alpha, or at least a total alpha in his own mind. Lot of Rogan, lot of supplements. He’s way too sure of himself when he very much should not be, and it’s that comically misplaced self-belief that makes success in fantasy just an extension of the fact that it’s his world, and we’re just living in it (to him, anyway).

Performatively competitive guy uses fantasy as yet another vehicle in which he can express just how much he’s crushing it in life, while The Whiner conversely extracts all of his life’s meaning from it. That means the stakes are never higher than when the draft rolls around, and the amount of time and energy he puts into his research is nonpareil from the rest of the league.

The flipside to this is that he gets legitimately upset when you “steal one of the guys he had earmarked,” or he pesters you with constant inquiries about trading for one of your bench wide receivers, hurling personal insults your way when you don’t give in. After telling you he’s never talking to you again following a rejected trade attempt on Thursday, he’s right back in your iMessage queue on a hungover Monday, trying to swing a trade for your backup tight end because of a RotoWorld blurb that had him as a breakout candidate for the week.

While Performatively Competitive Guy will fall ass backwards into a winning record as the playoffs near, The Whiner is trying to swing a trade that will simply put him into the conversation, which is honestly something to be admired. Others see fantasy football as a fun companion piece to the real thing; for The Whiner, the action is the juice.

The Autopilot

He’s either the golden retriever of your friend group, the biggest space cadet, or both. A casual football fan who’s main exposure to the sport came in college, when he’d trudge through a living room floor covered in natty light cans to grab a spot on the couch next to you and watch Scott Hanson wax poetic about the Ganges river on a pirated Sunday Ticket feed.

He’s now married with a kid (out of wedlock) and doesn’t have a ton of time to really hone in on his team the way that performatively competitive guy does, but he pays his league fees and you keep him around for the vibes. One or two good shots in the group text per month and then he’s a ghost. He forgets about the draft, and perpetually fields a lineup of hurt players and/or others on a bye out of sheer forgetfulness.

Honestly, it’s all good. Just so long as auto-pick is instantaneous (and you don’t have any of your preferred picks stolen to waste away on his team), this guy can do what he wants to do.

The Weirdo

You’re not really sure what to make of this guy. A buddy of a buddy who came in 6 years ago. You’re more mutual friends with him than anything, and were especially put off when he sent nudes that he had gotten into the group chat for everyone to “take a look and tell him what you think.” Speaking of Venn diagrams, the one that makes up “fantasy football group chat” and “bachelor party group chat” is another that’s nearly a perfect circle, and this is the guy that isn’t afraid to act that way in yours.

You can mostly shake off the quirks and oddities of The Weirdo in the same way you do with The Autopilot – the only caveat is that you’d hope you can avoid accidentally pulling up the especially out of bounds meme that he just sent everyone as you’re showing your co-worker the latest pictures of the back deck renovations. He still gives you the occasional strange look.

The Overthinker

Whether it’s “zero RBs,” or whatever strategy du jour you’ll hear on the latest PFF Fantasy Football podcast, this guy has all the angles. Unfortunately for our guy, he’s more Joey Knish than he is Mike McD in this situation – that is to say, he sees all the angles at the proverbial poker table but doesn’t know how to play them.

When Aaron Jones’ nagging injury turns out to be a season ender following a few wasted weeks, this guy insists that he’s process based, and that the collective efforts of Michael Carter, Ronald Jones, and Gus Edwards (still on the PUP list), will be more than enough to make up for it. He’s just as active as The Whiner when it comes to trades and the waiver wire, but for all his gumption, he can never seem to turn it into tangible success, which makes him much more endearing than the former (as does his generally less annoying disposition, which is probably the key distinguishing factor between the two).

Maybe another year of betting low on Michael Thomas will be enough to change his fortunes. We’re rooting for you, big guy.

POV: You just drafted the guy you KNOW is gonna put up numbers whilst being served an ice cold domestic draft

The “Drafts too many guys from the team he roots for” guy

“We Dem Boyz!” he shouts after drafting Zeke Elliott in the second round in between sips of a $13 aluminum bud light can in the back room of your local Buffalo Wild Wings. This is the guy that’s far too bullish on his teams’ upcoming season, and shows it by over-investing in them in his draft.

For your part, you’re hoping that A) he gets a decently high pick, and that B) you get close in behind him in the draft order. Whether he’s a yinzer that’s all in on George Pickens, a Bucs fan in New England that decided he’d be “following Tom Brady wherever he goes,” or a disaffected Clevelander who only has Nick Chubb to cling to, there’s solid value to be found after our boy makes his predictably misguided selections. Just get yourself an order of half-lemon-pepper-half-Asian-zing (boneless, of course) and have yourself a night drafting in his wake.

Trevor

He’s just Trevor. Never won. Never came in last.

The Guy Who Thinks He’s Above All These Chumps

This is you. And me. And everyone we know, really. The reality of a fantasy football draft and ensuing season is that it exists to give us all a fleeting feeling of control in our lives, a brief dopamine hit in a win, and a chance to stay invested in the proceedings of the year when your real team is a faint also-ran featured in the “in the hunt” graphic on December 18th.

As much as we love it, the purpose of this exceptionally stupid game is not to line our pockets at the end of the year, but to tell us something about ourselves. Or, rather, tell the rest of the friend group who we are, so they can snicker at us in their other group chats that they all insist don’t exist.

So go ahead and get your laughs in at all the guys I’ve listed off here, because the fact of the matter is, you are one of them. Or, even multiple of them. Well, except for Trevor – that guy just does his own thing.

Thanks for reading, pards, and happy hunting this year.

Every Guy In Your Fantasy League